Have you ever felt the Lord prompting you to do something? For months I have, and then finally I took some time to really read, pray and drown out all other distractions and it came, clarity for the step I needed to take. Upon hearing it, I was immediately taken back to five memories or moments where I wavered, wondering if I was making the right decision.
“Ok God. I want you best, so if you need me to surrender this, I will allow this to be my Isaac. Provide the “lamb” if there is to be one.”
Monday morning I was feeling confident about the next step to take. By Monday afternoon I was wrestling. “I can make this work. If I leave earlier, maybe ask for more time off.” Thankfully I had lunch with a friend. The true kind of friend that will listen, empathize and then give you a quick reality check that obedience to God is not optional for a life lived well. Internally I was a mess the rest of Monday, grieving for the choice ahead, still wanting to waver.
Tuesday, I texted the person I needed to have the conversation with, knowing their day was probably pretty busy, but I told God, “If I am to do this today, make a way, I feel weak over it.” Sure enough, 20 minutes were available… at that moment. I went in for the conversation, knowing obedience was my task. When it was all said and done I stepped into the restroom to cry. In the midst of my tears, my mind cried out to God, “Why are you asking me to do this? You have placed this dream in my heart and it could so easily happen here. Is this failure? What will my team think? Who will care for them? What if I lose my friends here.” I was lost in the emotional black hole.
The Lord prompted me, “Danielle, I want to give you so much, but you are holding onto this specific dream so tightly, that there is no room in your hands to give anything I want. I need you to let it go. I gave you those desires, when have I not been faithful.” I exhaled. “Ok God, I will walk confidently in this and open my hands of it all. I trust you”
Now that you know the story, here is the struggle-
The conversation was great, that interaction was awesome, but can I tell you, there are countless moments of little reminders that the season I am in is coming to an end and quickly. Little moments that I wonder if I made a mistake. Even moments that I feel sadness over it, but then I realize, I am focusing only on me and not on God.
This journey over the next 60 days until my commitment is complete is going to continue to be filled with plans made without me, a replacement of someone highly skilled and in time, people will know and the shift in relationships will begin. I am dreading it. Where is the peace?
Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and our strength. An ever- present help in times of trouble.”
Ok God- You are my refuge? Ok, I am going to run to you for safety and shelter to protect my heart, to protect my dreams.
You are my strength? Ok, I feel pretty weak with 60 more days to go. I am going to be leaning on you a lot, because I am depleted emotionally and physically for the journey ahead.
Ever-Present Help? Good to know. I often wake up at 3AM with thoughts, dreams, desires and questions. Sometimes worry or fear. So I am just going to dive into your word at those times and let you take care of that other stuff, ok?
Friends, I covet your prayers over this next 60 days in my journey. Wish me luck! Here’s to achieving constant peace.