Growing up, my mother’s favorite response to my continuous questions of God’s plan was, “In time, in time.” I used to hate that answer as she would say it with a small smile and a tilt of her head. I mean, wouldn’t it be great if God and I could have like an hour meeting to hit all the details of His plan and then I just execute them obediently? Yes, works for me. Lets do that.
This past week at the Catalyst conference, Ali Worthington said, “We often want God to reveal the entire plan before we take the next step. Instead, God asks for us to be obedient and to step forward in faith.”
As many times as God has provided, proven Himself in the smallest of details, I still have a hard time letting go of the control. The desire for the answer. If I could just analyze this choice, this person, that response, or this obstacle enough, I could figure it out. It never works for me. I want the answers, I want to carefully calculate every choice, to understand every relationship, maximize every opportunity, and then go forward.
This past week, I was burdened with some choices that needed to be made for next year- specifically in the professional realm. Pushing them off and avoiding the feelings and fears has become easy for me, but after allowing myself to sit in it, analyze it, and call a meeting with the necessary people, I prepared for the worst. Mentally and emotionally I was prepared to walk into the meeting last night with the conversation of, “Look, this is what I’m feeling. I think I need to be obedient to this calling and well, I don’t see any other option than to close this chapter…” (saving tears for the drive home of course).
As I word vomited, for lack of a better term, every feeling about this leading, empty and vulnerable, I took a deep breath and waited for the worst. One of my team members actually came with a completely different response, one that I was not expecting, when in reality it was 100% what I would have wanted in the ideal setting and instead of asking for it from her or God, she was offering it openly as something that she desired and that God had laid on her heart. (I repeated back to her what she said because I was in shock and wanted to clarity, twice.)
My conversation on the drive home- “Uh God. I’m sorry. This whole control thing, yep, I know. I have a long way to go. Thank you for loving me enough to fight this when I can’t, and for having grace in my distrust.” I still don’t know where this new path or next step leads to, I am still scared and I know I will still want to control moments of it, but I’m okay with that.